I’m All In



I took a trip through my Bible tonight and here are a few things I found along the way.

I hope you are as blessed by them as I am.


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This post is part of the 31 day series ‘31 Days of Hushin’ My Mouth
To read the rest of the posts in the series click the picture below.




What God Taught Me Today About NOT Hushin’ My Mouth


So its day 3 of the 31day blog challenge and I am sitting here at the keyboard wondering if I will be able to pull off another day of writing.  I have no idea what to write about today…. Hmmmm…. I got nothin’

I guess I could tell you about how I almost had a car accident today….

This is what happened – Today it is a beautiful fall day, the weather is just a tiny bit chilly, the sky is a dark blue and the leaves are starting to turn colors with just a few of them falling and blowing around on the road.  I had my sunroof open and my radio turned up loudly and singing along to Sidewalk Prophet’s new song “Save My Life.”  Now that I think about it I find it a bit ironic that I almost get in a terrible car wreck at the same time as song called Save my Life is playing on the radio.

I was driving and singing…..

Tell me what I need to hear

Tell me that I’m not forgotten

Show me there’s a God who can be more than all I ever wanted….. (those were words from the song)

All the sudden I see a flash of green coming fast to my right and realize a Green SUV is barreling down the road that is meeting up with the one I’m on looking as if he is going to pull out on the highway in front of me without stopping.  I am going about 50 miles per hour… I have no time to stop…. “Is he gonna stop?!?” flashes through my mind as at the same time my mind has already answered back, “NO HE IS NOT!”

There is no avoiding the accident.  I have no time to stop and he is already part way in the road right in front of me. I swerve into the empty oncoming lane and as I do it another thought flashes through my mind, “I am on a curve in the wrong lane is anyone coming toward me on the other side of that curve?” By now my car goes off the pavement on the left side of the road because he is still coming out, seriously am I driving and invisible car today??  I am partially in the grass and then on the road back and forth and somehow I manage to get back fully on the road and somehow back into my own lane. During all this I am seeing the other vehicle still coming on the side of my car knowing that at any second there will be the impact of him hitting me…

The Impact never came…

I am past him now looking in my rear-view mirror just in time to see him drive away as fast as he can.

Then it hits me… anger,

“WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOT?!” came roaring out of my mouth. And then at that same instant my body went into that Jellowy like feeling as the adrenaline rush I had been in for the last 20 seconds left my body. I was then shocked and like all…”What??”… “There is no way on this earth that I could have avoided an accident! What just happened here?”  By now I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was so jellowy that I couldn’t drive.

I sat there on the side of the road for a few minutes just thinking about what had just happened.  One second I am singing and in the snap of a finger I almost crash and it is all over with in less than 20 seconds.  Wow things sure can change in such a short time!  There could have been a very serious accident.  Both myself, the driver of the other car, and possibly anyone else who could have been coming around one of those corners at that time could have been seriously injured or possibly killed.  I still can not fathom any way it was at all possible for that accident to not happen but yet it didn’t happen.  I sat there on the side of the road a few minutes longer thanking God and realizing just how quickly people’s lives can change and also how quickly we can die.

I have a very good friend right now who has stage 4 lung cancer her doctor told her that there is no cure for her illness.  There are treatments to shrink the cancer and to help to prolong her life.  No matter what the doctors tell her she keeps living her life as if she will live a normal amount of time.  She believes she will live a long time and better yet God will cure her and I believe that too.  As I write this today I wonder, what is a normal amount of time to live??  None of us are guaranteed anything.  She has a cancer that some may say is a death sentence, yet I could have died today in less than 20 seconds and I am not even sick.  We are all dying and we have been since the day we were born.

And that prompts me to I ask you question….if you were to die today where would you go?  I will ask myself the same question though I already know the answer.  If I died today I fully believe I would go to Heaven.

My next thought is, of all the people I know who do not believe in Jesus, or who do believe yet haven’t given their lives to him….What if they died today, where would they go??  ya you know the answer as do I.

I had to stop writing for a while after I wrote that because that thought hit me like a ton of bricks and makes me really sad.

Sobering thoughts today here on the blog.

If this is true why do I not tell more people about Jesus? The truth is its uncomfortable sometimes.  I always think that people do not want me to tell them this stuff or that they may be offended and become angry. Who knows maybe you are reading this right now and offended. I may even get flack for this post in the comments or a few emails that is IF I am brave enough to publish this.

Why do I feel this way? Well I used to not believe and I did not want some Christian telling me what I did not care to hear.  I felt like I was being judged when someone told me about Jesus.   I was never against anyone who was a Christian I just thought to each his own and let them believe what they believed and I wanted to be left alone to believe what I believed.  My in-laws were Christians and I would even pray with them when they prayed at dinner to not make waves, I never really told them I did not believe though they did all know I did not go to church.  I even went to church a few times as a kid and also an adult. I thought I believed for a short amount of time but never really understood the whole God/Jesus thing (read here for that story).  I look back now that I do understand and I know its that I just never knew about the relationship with Jesus part.  Nobody ever told me about that part, I wonder why?  Maybe because they thought I  did not care to hear it…Yes  I know I just made a full circle but that brings me right back to this…because I did not care to hear it I think it most likely made them uncomfortable and they did not want to offend me. I could be wrong and its past now, this is just some of my ponderings that go on in my head that just happen to be coming out on the keyboard today.

AAAANYWAYYY… back to the not having a wreck story…. Today I was driving down the road singing and in the snap of a finger I could have died.   What if I would have died and nobody had ever told me that all I had to do was ask Jesus to lead my life and accept him as my savior that I would be saved?  What would have happened to me if I were not saved?  I would have went to Hell.

Harsh I know but I have to say it because whether or not we choose to have Jesus as our savior IS a matter of life and death.

Which leads me to one last question.  If having Jesus in a person’s life is a matter of life and death then why would I not be opening my mouth to tell someone about him? It is much better to be uncomfortable and take a chance on making people angry than the consequences of not doing it.

I think today God wants me to not hush my mouth sometimes.  I think maybe sometimes I tend to hush it to much in the wrong areas. I think he wants me to open it up and tell people about Jesus no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel and not worry about if it will make the other person uncomfortable or offend them. I need tell them, it’s my job while I am on this earth. Plus since Jesus has been in my life I am alive more than I ever was before.  He is the best thing that ever happened to me.  Why in the world would I not want to share that??!

Well that’s all I have for today.  I thought I had nothing to write but seems like once again I have a whole page full.

I am sorry if this post seems so harsh but that is what God showed me today to share on day 3 of 31 Days of Hushin’ My Mouth. I decided to leave this post just as I wrote it, so that means no looking back to proofread because I don’t dare want to chance rethinking what I wrote, woohoo I am feeling brave today  😉  Come back tomorrow for day 4, your guess is as good as mine as to what the subject will be  😀

Thank you for reading today,



P.S.  If you do not know Jesus, you may leave a comment and I will try my best to help you get the answers you need.  There is also a link right –> here that has a lot of info about him too.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

To read the rest of the posts in this series you can click here – 31 Days of Hushin’ My Mouth


Life Just Doesn’t Seem Fair Sometimes

Today I woke up wondering, why I woke up in my nice warm house when a father across the ocean wakes in a pile of rubble and mud. Why am I allowed to go on about my day, living and experiencing joy while the man weeps in grief at the thought of everything that he has lost. His home, his wife and his children swept out to sea by the storm. I can’t help but wonder…did they go peacefully?  Did they have time to know what was happening and be frightened or did they just swim right into the open arms of Jesus?

If God is for us why does something like this happen? Why did a friend of mine just get a cancer diagnosis and while another friend suffers from depression? People are hungry, homeless, abused and disasters happen. The list goes on for miles, people are suffering every single day.  Sometimes I just want to scream, “It’s not fair!” But who am I to decide what is fair and what is not?  We all die, it’s inevitable. Wouldn’t it be nice if when we died we just went to sleep in our bed at night and opened our eyes in heaven? No suffering or pain.  What if life was always rosy? How would we behave? Would we turn to God as much?  Would we still pray? Would we still help one another?

I visited a boy in Haiti last March.  He had nothing of monetary value but he had himself and a whole lot of love; and he was ready and willing to give all of himself away.  I also visited a Mother who had aids and a family of 7, she had a one room shack for a home but opened it up to us as if it were a mansion inviting us in offering us a seat.  She gave more in love to us in that short time than I have given in my whole life.  To me their lives seem unfair yet they were thankful and joyful and ready to unselfishly share it all with me.

When things like the typhoon that hit the Philippines happen we don’t understand, but its also the times like this that God shows the most.  People are coming together from all over the world to give help to their fellow man.  As the broken pick up the broken pieces of their lives, life keeps going on and God keeps going on. Forever His love and strength will show in those who are trying to put the pieces back together again and also in those who come to their aid. Many of us can’t physically go there to help, so we pray. We pray so loud that our voices blend together as one. We pray that God will give strength and healing to those who were hurt.  We pray that nations will come together and in the mighty name of Jesus and that God will show many blessings and miracles in the midst of suffering left from the storm. Most of all we pray that in the center of it all people will come to know Jesus Christ because after all is said and done he is everything that anyone truly needs.

If you would like to help the people of the Philippines Compassion International has set up a donation page to help get emergency relief to children in the effected areas.  This fund will go toward things such as food, clothing, water, and temporary shelter and for providing counseling and spiritual support. Just click the banner below to help.


Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Read these related posts:

Mistake or Plan?

I have been down and defeated, broken and afraid.

Sometimes it feels like life is going to be like this forever, though I know its not.

Every morning I read a devotional by the name of “Jesus Calling” written by Sarah Young. This morning while lying in bed I opened my book and this is what I read…

* Except each day exactly as it comes to you.  By that I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body.  Your assignment is to trust me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.  On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance.  The demands on you seem far greater than your strength.  Days like the present a choice between two alternatives- giving up or relying on Me.  Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative.  I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement.  I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day, Trust Me by relying on my empowering presence.

Psalm 42:5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

2 Corinthians 13:4 For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God’s power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God’s power we will live with him in our dealing with you.

Jeremiah 31:25 I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. 

I get the feeling like it or not I was going to have to get my butt out of bed and do my exercises.  They hurt and to be honest I really did not want to do them.  But I could continue to lay there or sit in a chair all day and not feel a bit better or get out of bed, do my exercises and work on healing.

So I did.

I turned on the radio and reluctantly started.  A couple of sets in I realized I was doing much better than yesterday znd oddly the songs that were playing on the radio were perfectly matched to how I was feeling.  The more I moved I felt better and I started singing along with the radio.   I felt empowered and strong and full of thankfulness and I found myself having one of the best God moments I have had in a long time.  A little bit later it dawned on me … I had just attended a worship service.  Who would have thought I would have been sweaty and dirty doing leg lifts and stretches on my living room floor and attending one of the most awesome worship services I have ever attended.   That goes to show we can have worship anywhere anytime.  We don’t need a fancy building or to sit quietly for God to show up.  He is always here and we can worship him anywhere we feel the urge.

I could end this blog here but this was not the end of the story.  What happened next was the coolest thing.

After I was finished exercising I went back to the devotional because I decided I was going to share it on facebook.  But when I opened my book the words were different. What happened??!! Did I dream up this whole thing? Had I lost my mind? Upon further investigation I realized I had read SEPTEMBER 8th instead of October 8th by mistake.

Its times like this that I see God the most.  The times when He swoops in and rescues me. The times he throws Himself right in front of me and shows me that He is the one in charge.  That what I look at as a mistake was really part of His plan.  Mistake I read the wrong devotional?  I think not, God does not make mistakes I truly think He wanted me to read September 8th today.  My mistake, His plan.

This is still not the end of the story today.  Since today really is October 8th I decided to read today’s reading

Here is today’s devotional…

* I LOVE YOU with an everlasting Love.  The human mind cannot comprehend My constancy.  Your emotions flicker and falter in the face of varying circumstances, and you tend to project your fickle feelings onto Me.  Thus, you do not benefit fully from My unfailing Love.  You need to look beyond the flux of circumstance and discover Me gazing lovingly back at you.  This awareness of My presence strengthens you , as you receive and respond to MY Love.  I am the same yesterday, today and forever! Let My Love flow into you continually.  Your need for Me is as constant as the outflow of My Love to you.

Jeremiah 31:3 The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

Exodus 15:13 In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.

Hebrews 13:8 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I had to smile when I read that one 🙂  It’s going to be a great day!


Who am I???….Really???

DSCN0131Did you ever have something slap you in the face so hard it hurt for days?

I’m not talking about a physical slap, I’m talking about that slap of reality. A slap so hard that it knocks you down a notch or two, makes you think about your life and makes you wonder just who you really are.

I know you all keep hearing me talk about Haiti over and over again so forgive me but I am going to go to that subject one more time and I am not promising you that it will be the last time either 🙂

When I went to Haiti last March I felt like I was doing pretty good at the whole ‘new me’ thing that Jesus has been helping me with.  I knew I was very far from perfect and never will be perfect but I did feel like I was striving toward the correct direction for the first time in my life, but when I reached Haiti what I saw there knocked me down to my knees and made me rethink my whole perspective on who I really was.  The emotion I felt there was so much more than I ever expected or had ever felt in my life.  At times the emotion ran so raw I could feel every nerve ending in my body just want to scream out “stop!’  I felt so many things while there, things like frustration, sorrow and hopelessness but then as the week went on I felt things like hope and joy like I had never felt before.   I also saw God in Haiti like I had never seen or experienced Him before.   I won’t go into it all again today here on my blog but if you would ever like to read about that here are the links to the blog posts I wrote while there or soon after coming home.

The Eyes

Hope is Here

This Will Make You Smile

The Best Day Ever

Never the Same Again

Stepping Into The Boat

The Tail of Two Mothers

When I returned home from Haiti I began to question if I do enough, I mean really do I give enough?  Do I sacrifice my own personal comfort?  Am I bold enough to I give my whole self to what God has called me to do?  I am not speaking of just money I am speaking of things like speaking out, stepping up to do what he asks me to do.  Do I shrink back worrying what others may think of me?

Since I returned home Haiti has still been close to my heart and also feel that it changed my life forever.  Yesterday I saw a blog post by Ann Voskamp, I have to admit it was very thought provoking and convicting.   I saw a lot of my own feelings that I had I felt in Haiti when I read it.  I am a little embarrassed and sad to say that when I came back here to my cushy life in Missouri I gradually let some of what I  had saw there go out of my mind.  After reading Ann’s blog I realize the feelings are still there but some I had tucked away where they sat quietly back waiting for a slap of reality to hit me again.

I can still feel it…

It’s still there roaring through my veins,

Give Him my all.

Boldly go where he says to go…even if it may be scary.

Say what he wants me to say…don’t back down for fear of what people may think.

It only matters what God thinks.

Give my all till it hurts,  isn’t a sacrifice supposed to hurt?

What Jesus did for me hurt…

In order to show Jesus I have to live Jesus

Today I want to share the blog post I read yesterday,  I feel what the blogger says is true.  I hope not to make anyone upset with me but this is where the “boldly go where he tells me to go comes in” 🙂

A Letter to the North American Church:  Because it’s Time  By, Ann Voskamp

Thank you for reading and have blessed day 🙂


“You have changed!”  Those words cut right through me just as they were meant to do, they were supposed to hurt, supposed to turn me into a blubbering mess of tears and make me sad that I did not want to join in on the so called ‘fun’,  but just as I felt the tears welling up in my eyes I heard another voice but this voice was kind,  “you have changed”,  God whispered.

I stopped crying sad tears instead they turned to tears of happiness as the truth began hitting me like a ton of bricks….Yes it was true, I had ‘changed’

Rewind this story back to 3 and a half years ago…

Three and a half years ago I became a Christian.  Three years ago I loved wine and I believed it was okay if I still drank it.  I loved going to winery’s and always had a glass with my dinner.  I had that glass every night with dinner and then I had ‘only’ two more glasses after dinner.  Did you know that a normal sized bottle of wine holds  three glasses of wine??  Try it if you don’t believe me, one bottle of wine will fill up only 3 glasses.  If I told someone I had three glasses of wine it did not sound like much, but If I said I drank a whole bottle of wine every night then… well you get the picture.  I thought I had everyone fooled but really I am pretty sure I was only trying to fool myself in thinking I only had three glasses of wine a night.

Fast forward one year (This was 2 years ago)

That morning I woke up finding myself in a heap on the bathroom floor with a headache so bad that it made me wish I had never waken up.  My insides were sore from the vomiting and my mouth felt like I had huge wads of cotton in it.  I wanted to die right there on that floor I felt so awful.  Small bits and pieces of the day and night before began flooding my mind… being at the winery with friends, a trip to the Elks lodge for tequila shots and shuffleboard to the home of our friends for more wine and a spaghetti dinner.  I vaguely remember going home because I did not feel well, then a flash of me standing in my front yard vomiting.  Patches of my memory were gone and I kept thinking “how did I get on this bathroom floor?’

Fast forward 2 hours later…

Finally feeling some better now but still feeling like a truck ran over me I signed into facebook and there on my wall tagged for everyone to see is a picture of  me very drunk showing off for the picture! Its very obvious that I posed for the picture though I do not remember even having that picture taken.  I had a tequila shot in one hand glass of wine in the other….oh won’t my mother be so proud of me!(sarcasm).  The truth is I was so embarrassed I hoped so bad she hadn’t saw it or any of my non-party friends…..

Fast forward another couple of hours…

I Still had the killer headache but I was finally recovering from the hangover, I had removed the facebook picture and hopefully not to many people had seen.  I was finally thinking maybe I had gotten away with my behavior though I was asking myself if  it was really worth it to feel so horrible for hours for just a few hours of so called ‘fun’?  and then it happened… my phone beeped, “you have a text message from your sister” it said…I open the message and the minute I saw it I started crying.   To my horror there on my phone screen was a picture of my laying on the bathroom floor sleeping with a message that says “looks like someone had a good time last night”.  Someone in my family had taken a picture of me and sent it to her.

That was the moment I truly saw who I had became.  I was a mess and I did not like the lady I saw in that picture.  I was a liar and I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to start puking all over again.  Seeing that picture was what helped me see the real me.  That was the day I realized if I was going to be a follower of Jesus I had to change. That was the day I realized it wasn’t fun to drink.  I was drowning myself in the alcohol thinking it was going to help me to have a good time.   It was  fun for about the first hour when I felt tipsy but after that it was all a blur,  lost memory, puking and a killer headache, Not exactly my proudest moment…. I was ashamed of myself.

For those who know me in my life outside of the blog world many will be surprised to read this story because I always have been a responsible person.  I never drank and drove.  I never drank at work.  I functioned in the world as a pretty upstanding citizen.  I was a closet drinker most of the time. I usually drank starting with dinner never getting drunk until after everyone else was asleep.  With the exception of the partying with friends on the weekends nobody really knew about the weeknight drinking except my family.  I thought that partying with friends was  ‘acceptable’ because they did it too. We all used to joke about it and call ourselves “functional alcoholics”, when truth is I just needed an excuse to make my behavior acceptable, which I know now it wasn’t.

The day I woke up finding myself in a heap on the bathroom floor was the day I knew it was time to change.

Shortly after that day I found this a scripture it told me to fill myself with God and also reminded me that He was all I needed.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:15-20


That was not the end of my story… I know that for the rest of my life I will be faced with choices to make and with those choices will come consequences of my actions.  They can either be good or bad depending on what I choose.  Since that day I have chose Jesus and plan to keep choosing Him.  He is all I need.

If you are struggling with and addiction or have ever found yourself in a heap on the floor over anything, I hope my story will somehow give you hope, for it is with Jesus that we can do anything.  He will take your pain away and he will give you the strength you need to get through whatever it is you are going through.  I know this to be true because I have lived it.

One last verse before I close…

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength… Philippians 4:13   This seems to be my life verse I say it quite frequently.

You can and he will…All you have to do is ask….


Enjoy this song by Kutless… I’m a believer in Jesus’ power are you?

Technical Difficulties

As many of you know I have a new job as the secretary at my church.  One of my duties as secretary is to put the content for the Sunday morning services into our Easy Worship program for the church service such as the song lyrics, scripture, announcements etc. That information is then projected to the front of the room on the wall during the church service.

I love my new job but it has one small problem. The problem is now I find myself worrying on the Saturday night before and sometimes Sunday morning during church about the service.  I will have things running through my head like…did I put that person on the prayer list?…did I remember to spell check?…do I have things in the right order?  I am my own worst critic and the funny thing is I never paid to much attention to the screen before I started doing the stuff for the screen, so probably nobody else pays close attention to the screen either.

Today at church just as the service was starting the projector came on and there on the wall I saw nothing but a blue screen.  I looked to the back of the room into the booth where the people are that run the screen I noticed they were gathered around the computer and I immediately could tell something was definitely wrong.  Ohhh nooo my worries may be coming true!  The first thing that ran through my head was that somehow it had to be my fault.  Did I forget to upload the file or did I mess something up so bad that they could not use it?

I went back to see what was going on and hoping it was not my fault but most of all hoping that maybe I would have a solution as to how to fix the problem.  When I got back there I was filled with relief to I find out that the problem wasn’t anything I had caused. There seemed to be a problem with the computer equipment for some reason the projector did not have a signal.  I also quickly realized I didn’t have a clue as to how to help fix the problem. Since I could not be of help I returned to my seat where the service was still going on…without anything on the screen.

The announcer did the welcome and announcements which seemed to go just fine without the screen though now all the sudden I was distracted by the screen not working.  We then had the greeting and after the greeting we stood to sing the next song. Today’s singing group sings a lot of older church songs so most people would probably know the songs but because I haven’t been going to church my whole life I didn’t know the song they were singing and there were no lyrics scrolling on the wall for me to read.  I love to sing and was feeling disappointed because I couldn’t sing along.  I was also thinking about how silly I looked just standing there not participating in the singing and also about what could possibly be wrong with that screen?  So there I stood in church with everything but church racing through my head.

As I stood there watching the blue screen fade in and out suddenly I heard a whisper inside my head and the whisper said “listen!”  “Listen to what?” I thought…and then it hit me …all the sudden I realized that while my mind had been whirling round and round and I had somehow forgotten the whole reason that I was here at church and what church was really about.  I was here to worship God today and while I was fretting about the screen not working I had been missing the sound of the beautiful voices of the woman on the stage singing and wow! they were so amazing!  From that moment on all I could hear were those lovely wonderful voices and it was at that moment I felt God in the room. Right there in the middle of my stressing out about not knowing the words to the song and thinking about that blue screen God had slipped in.

As I stood there listening to the ladies as they sang to God His peace began to wash over me.  I could feel His presence in the room so strongly at that moment I just wanted to fall down at his feet and cry tears of thanks and joy. After the song the service went on as it always does, but now I was at peace and forgot about the screen not working.

Later after I got home I thought of something else…I do not think that the pastor’s sermon went as he had planned for it to go either. The only reason I think that is because I had typed the outline of the sermon on the screen and I noticed he did not do the same thing that he  had me to type for the screen.  I wondered could it be possible that he was thrown off by the screen not working just as I had been?  Or did he just have a change of plans today? Or could it be that God had a change of plans for all of us in that room today?

Things don’t always go according to our plans and something I do know is that God has his own plan.  I am not sure about everyone else in that room and but today I am pretty sure that today I saw His plan come into play for me.

Today when the first inkling came that something was not going to go as planned I panicked and thought it was something I had caused and then once I found out that was not the case I let the fact that we did not have a screen for our service throw me off.

Today I realized that we do not need an elaborate fancy power point presentation to listen to a sermon, or cool videos of water falls cascading down while we are singing.  Though words to the songs are important if I want to sing along, sometimes it’s nice just listen to a song.  God speaks to me a lot through music and today I am certain that is why he chose to speak to me right there in the middle of a song.  Today I just needed to be quiet so I could listen, but not only did I need to listen, I also needed to hear Him. He wanted me to just be quiet and hear what he was trying to say to me.

When I go to church I go to worship God with my church family and hopefully learn something about Him while I am there. That time each week is very special to me and I feel so blessed that I have this wonderful church family that I belong to. I also feel doubly blessed that I now get to work there a few hours during the week too.  I am not sure if anyone else had the same experience I had today but whatever they experienced I hope it was something as good as what I felt.   Today I heard two sermons.  The sermon the pastor gave today was good but the most important sermon I receive was the one given to me by God.  Though I love my new job at the church I also realize that also need to leave that behind when I enter the church on Sunday morning.  I also need to remember that I do not need anything at all to worship God except the giving to Him of myself.  Church is not a social club I attend or a place where it needs to be fancy and have modern technology.  It just needs to be a place where other Christians and I come together to worship God.

 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:5

Here I am Lord, Send Me

I walked to the front of the room my body trembling.  As I turned to face the crowd a bead of sweat trickled down the side of my face.  I felt my feet about to turn and make a run for the door but just as I was about to make my move heard a voice whisper “look into their faces, you have nothing to fear.”

I paused moment to catch my breath and reluctantly looked out into the room.  I looked out into the faces I had been avoiding and that was the minute I saw Him.  At that very moment I saw Jesus, He was right there smiling back at me. He was sitting there in the sea of faces that were lovingly smiling back at me.  I saw His love radiating, shining out in the smiles of my church family.

The pastor introduced us all and then we turned to face the alter for the ceremony.  As I stood at the alter I felt hands begin to lay on my back.  I had no idea whose hands were touching me but then I realized that though the faces were unseen the hands belonged to Jesus.

We all knelt down together and I bowed my head in prayer.  As we prayed somehow the room seemed to disappeared and I began to feel His spirit flowing through me filling me with His love.  As we all prayed together it felt as if we became one.  We were all Him.  We were all His hands, His feet, His body.  We were all His love.

Today in that room full of my church family Jesus surrounded me.  Together our voices sang His praises together.  In that room we all stood as one.  His loving arms wrapped around us, lifting us up, tying us all together.

Today the love of Jesus plunged so deep into my heart it ached, filling me with a love so strong and overwhelming that it poured down my face in a flood of tears.

As I looked around the room today I saw Jesus.

He was in the faces of my church family

He was in the touch of their hands

He was there in their hugs

He was there in the love

He WAS the love

The love of Jesus seems so overwhelming to me at times that I could never begin to explain how it feels.  All I can seem to say  is that it feels so good I never want to go back to the place I used to live.  I want to live right here in this moment I want to only move forward from here on out, going where ever he leads.

Isaiah 6:8  Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”  And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”


I Surrender

* A Note before the story…When I started this blog last year I started it because I felt like God wanted me to start it, I had no plan and honestly did not understand why God would ask me to do it because I am not a writer and I am pretty shy person.  I have never really been the type of person who shares my personal feelings.  Though its almost been a year since I started blogging each time I start to hit the send button I feel butterflies in my stomach but then I feel the whisper of The Holy Spirit telling me to do it, so I do. 

Sometimes I go a long time without writing because I wait on Him and though I have blogged a few assignments for Compassion and I am second I still only post here what I feel God wants me to write.   Last fall I wrote a story that I felt prompted by God to share but I did not share the story here because my human pride would not let me, The thing is most of my close friends and family do not even know this about me and many would probably say its not a true story because I hid it so well.  Instead of putting the story here where I know God wanted it to be in the first place, I started a different blog and posted the story there and then about 2 days later took down the blog.

It has been several months since I posted that blog and more than a year since I wrote it and I have not a clue why, but God is still bothering me to post the story here so I am doing it today.   Something I am learning the more I continue on this journey is that though I have free will to do what I want when I do not stay in his will I can not seem to have peace.   Below is the story I posted on my other blog Sept 12, 2012. 

I Surrender

I never fully surrendered the alcohol. I don’t know why because I really know I don’t need it. It does not fit in with the plan God has for me. I can’t keep going on day after day with the thought in my head that one day I will be able to drink again.

Last night I made myself a rum and coke.  It made me sick, and it did not make me feel like I thought I would feel. It made me feel so awful, not only did it make me feel physically sick but I felt spiritually sick too.  The truth is last night I realized for the first time ever that I had not ever wanted to be released from its grip.

Looking back over the past year I asked myself, “why do I ever want to go back there to that place”?   It was a terrible place.  It was full of nothing but loneliness and pain.

I realized last night I can not keep taking God for granted after what He has done for me.  I can’t waste another second of my life anymore with such nonsense.  I can not keep putting my trust in a bottle of lies.

I am not sure why I thought I may need that stepping stone again one day, because I know today I don’t need it.   Its a stone on top of  quick sand.  The more I drink the farther I sink down to the bottom of a pit of despair.  I know the only way to survive is I have to be strong in Him. It has to start with me giving it up, using only God as my crutch turning to Him and only Him, not that poison I drink.

I am not the type of friend who breaks promises so I am not sure why I keep breaking promises to the best friend I have ever had. God would never break his promises to me. He always has mercy on me, he always has grace and Always keeps his promises. He can be my victory if I stay in his army because He is my rock and my firm foundation.   He’s all I have that will remain in the end. I know I have to let that awful part of me die so the good part can live. When I live the old life I am dead when I live His life I am alive. I am not if sure I will ever get over this struggle while I am on this earth but I know I have to try.

“Please God give me the strength help me put it away. I feel like I have a war going on in my mind. I know I have the best weapon in that war. I know I have the best armor for the fight, I just have to remember to use it.  I have to walk only with you holding my hand, not a bottle in my hand. Today I admit I am an alcoholic.  I have to stand sober so I can stand strong. You God are my victory, Please help me,  I need and want to win this fight”  Amen

** Note  of  Joy**  I wrote this in my journal over a year ago.  Life can sometimes be tough and I know that if not for God I would not be where I am today still not drinking and truly living for the first time in a very long time.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.

Live Second Day 29: Release ~ I Have Nothing to Release…or Do I?

fb-60daysofSecond-24-300x300In November I told you about a project I was going to be a part of in which I and 14 other bloggers would be reading and blogging together through a new book called ‘Live Second: 365 Ways to make Jesus first’ by Doug Bender.  This is the first of my 4 posts.  You can also go to the I am second website and sign up to follow along as the other 14 bloggers and I journey through the book.  You can also get the ‘Live Second‘ book in stores NOW.


Day 29 of My Live Second Journey:  Release ~ I Have Nothing to Release…or Do I?

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ Matthew 18:32-33

This Week’s Live Second – 365 Ways to Make Jesus First focus is on relationships.  The topic today is ‘Release’ based on scripture from Matthew 18:21-32.  In the scripture it talks about forgiving others as God has forgiven me.

When I read today’s topic I honestly thought I did not have anything going on in my life as far as forgiving or releasing that I would be able to work on. As far as I knew I did not think I had anyone I that needed to forgive…plus I usually forgive others pretty easily, at least that is what I thought when I read it.  Little did I know that in less than an hour I was going to have one of those days where God shows me I just might be wrong.

Shortly after I read today’s page of the book my husband said something to me that hurt my feelings.  Before I go any further rest assured that I am not going to use this blog to slam my husband, the assignment is to write about how I am going to apply what I read today in my life.  I will try to do the best I can without giving you all the unimportant details.

Within about 2 seconds of my husband’s hurtful comment I fired right back in a not so ‘WWJD’ type of fashion only to be met with a more hurtful statement than the first one.

Since the book reading was fresh in my mind I was a perfect angel and I was quick to apply what I had just read by forgiving him immediately and then apologizing for my own behavior… I wish I could say that statement was true but instead I fired right back at him in perfect ‘Terri’ form with things I am not so proud to say I said now and then I proceeded to carry the hurt and anger around for 3 days.  Yes you read right day 2 took me 3 days to figure out how I was going to ‘release’.

Forgiveness is really hard when you have been hurt.  Words can cut a person in half sometimes cutting clear to the bone exposing so deep you can almost feel them hit your soul.  How can I forgive when I feel so torn and ripped apart?   Especially when the person who did the hurting can not see they have caused a hurt so deep that I am still carrying it around?   How do I forgive when I am so darn mad?!?

Yesterday I started to think about what I had read and I asked myself ‘was I treating my husband with the same sort of grace that God has given me?’  I then prayed “God please help me to forgive my husband.  After praying I reluctantly decided to forgive him but then when I saw him before I could catch them the words “I forgive you for being an ass!” fell out of my mouth.   My husband then said, “You forgive me for being an ass??” as he kinda laughed. I know what I did was not really what the author of this book had in mind and I am pretty sure it most definitely is not what God would want me to do.  But in this instance it broke the ice… the ice on my frozen heart.

As he said the words “you forgive me” with a glimmer of humor in his eyes at that moment God convicted me of my behavior… Yes you read right, my own behavior.  My husband had hurt my feelings but it was not until that moment that I realized that I was carrying around so much more anger at him than I even knew I was carrying.  I am not sure why but I think I had been keeping a tally of every thing he had ever done or said to ‘hurt’ me.   The problem with that is when we have arguments I go back to seeing those past things instead of focusing on what is going on right now at this moment.   The minute I asked Jesus to be my savior and to forgive me of my sins the slate was wiped clean and now it was time for me to do the same.

A few minutes later found my self apologizing to my husband and the next thing I knew he said he was sorry to me also.

I know this will not apply in every circumstance and our issue was a minor compared to what others may be facing. But I do know that when we release that anger and live with the same type of forgiveness God gives to us it allows for wounds to begin to heal.

How will I live more second today?  By trying to remember that the only way I can have peace in this life and be able to let the light of Jesus shine by giving the same grace to others that God has given to me by forgiving and then learning to truly release it. 6358_10151161186987337_818276027_n

Come visit tomorrow for Day 30:   Love ~ Love Across the Miles.

Thank you for reading.