Spider Webs

This morning when I woke up the black swirling spider webs were floating so badly through my vision that I could not bare to open my eyes.  I did not know how I was going to be able to survive the day seeing like this.  I closed the curtains turned off the lights went and lay down and cried.  As I cried I began to talk to God asking him why and asking for peace.  I do not know how long I lay there crying and praying but the more I talked to Him the more I could feel myself beginning to calm as I felt His peace began to wash over me and fill me up.  As I lay there praying I noticed a warmth upon my face.  I opened my eyes and I saw a sunbeam shining in through the window even though I had closed the curtains.  Then I felt the nudging and heard a small voice saying,  ”Open your eyes go look outside”.   I went to my front door touched the knob and slowly opened the door.

As I opened the door I saw that one of my flower bushes had bloomed.  It had bloomed the biggest most giant blossoms I have ever seen.  The huge pink blossoms were the size of my hand and were opened up with drops of dew shimmering in the morning sunlight. What a gift!  I looked up towards Heaven to say thank you Lord as I raised my face I saw the sun rising, shining in all its glory through of all things, the tree branches in my yard. They were blowing in the wind.  At that moment I knew Jesus himself was standing in my front yard right beside me showing me everything is going to be alright.  As the black spider webs floated around in my vision I realized they floated in my eyes with a peaceful movement exactly like tree branches floating in the wind in my yard.  I wasn’t seeing spider webs anymore I was seeing branches swaying in the wind.

This may sound crazy to anyone else but at that moment I realized that God was showing me something I have never seen before.  Could this be a blessing or maybe a lesson? Of course it is.  Not everyone gets to see black spider webs in their vision turn into tree branches. He was showing me that there is always beauty and peace to be seen even on the darkest day during our darkest hour.  When we see tragedy or sadness in the world God is still here.  He is here always, He is never changing. All a person has to do is open their eyes. I can not walk through my life with my eyes closed in fear, hiding from the bad or the scary stuff.  I have to open them up or I will miss the blessings.  There are a lot of bad and scary things going on in our world right now.  Do I close my eyes or do I open them up and face them bravely knowing God right by my side.   We are here on this earth to for a reason and its not to sit by with our eyes closed hoping that the bad stuff will just magically go away.  We must open our eyes to what we don’t want to see, then step up and open the door.  Then don’t just open the door, go through it and then open those eyes and do something about what we see.  That is the only way to have true peace and see true beauty.  I want to open my eyes and receive the blessings he has put here for me.

 I am not sure what God has in store for me this time but I do know that he has never left me before and every single trial, pain or suffering I have had in my life has ended up having a good outcome and a lesson learned.  I know I still have a lot to learn and I also know life will never be boring.  When I let God into my life nobody said it would be easy, but it is so much better.  I have nothing to fear because – I can do everything through Him, who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

* a note to what the spider webs I am seeing are and no I am not nuts and seeing things….Yesterday I woke with huge black floaters and flashing lights in my eye again.  I tried my best to ignore it but just as I finished shopping at a grocery store a giant spider web looking black mass covered my vision.   I went to my retina doctor and found out have yet another eye issue, caused either by scarring in my eye from my retinal vein occlusion I had last year of the medication they used to treat it.  The vitreous gel is pulling away from my peripheral area of vision has torn my retina a bit so what I am seeing is blood floating in my eye.  At this point there is nothing that can be done except to wait and watch it in case I would happen to get a retinal detachment. But no worries as you can tell I am doing well because God has me and is in control :)

Thank you so much for reading and have a blessed day 🙂

What’s the Plan?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Today has been a hard day for me.  The vision is getting worse and the worse it becomes the faster the panic attacks come.  I am now fully blurry with patches missing in my right eye and I am seeing a slight haze in the left eye now too.   I am not sure which is worse the vision loss or the panic that comes at me out of no where.

I just I wish I knew what the plan was.  I am trying to be patient and wait but waiting is not one of my strong points.  I keep questioning God as to what is his plan for me.  I feel so confused as to why would I have the miracle of my eyesight back fully only to start losing it all over again?  I keep trying to make sense of it all.   Looking at God’s beauty has always been a past time of mine.  I love to look at stuff, I am a people watcher and nature lover.   I also see Him everywhere I look. I can be in a terrible mood and walk out my front door and see a flower blooming or fluffy clouds in the sky and feel His peace begin to fill me within seconds.

Today I was planting flowers in my yard and I noticed a bird chirping very loudly.  I looked up to see the bird but the tree leaves looked like green blobs to me so finding the bird was defiantly out of the question.  Instead of looking for the bird went back to my planting listening to him chirp.  The more I listened the sound began to bring me back to my childhood I remember I used to love to read in the yard with the sounds of nature all around me.  I had forgotten as an adult  that as a child I used to love listening to the different sounds different types of birds make.  I used to give them names and make up stories in my head of what they were talking about.  Today as I listened to that bird chirp another bird began chirping on the other side of the yard.  A few minutes later more birds started chirping as if they were all having a conversation back and forth across the yard.  Today I found myself wondering…  Were they talking?  If so what were they talking about?  Maybe they were singing.  Could they be singing about what a lovely day God made today? The breeze was slightly blowing.  The temperature was perfect.  I could smell the smell of spring in the air. I could smell the flowers I was planting; I also could smell fresh cut grass.  I got so caught up in the wonderful feeling of spring that I don’t know I really needed to see it after all.  I am not saying I can not see, because I can still see, though things are pretty blurry now.  But what I did today was I saw things in a whole new way today.  Could that be Gods newest plan, to help me notice ALL of His beauty he has created. To see not only with my eyes but with all of my senses, and also my heart?  One thing I have found out through trial and error is that I can not even begin guess what God has planned.  The human in me is always looking for an answer and trying to be in control.  Today he gently reminded me that I am not the one who is in control, He is.  I know He is God, He can do anything.  I just have to trust him. why wouldn’t I?   He has proven to me time and time again that he will take care of me.  All I have to do is keep hanging on to Jesus and he will give me the peace I need to make it through.

When I look back on my experiences of last year when I was losing my vision I can see now what the plan was and it was a good plan.  I am pretty sure that a year from now I will look back on this experience and see something big was in the works.   A few months back I wrote a story titled “I was blind but now I see” about my experience with the vision loss.  In that story I wrote-  “If you asked me today would I go blind again? I would say YES.  It has been a year today since this all started and it has been one of the hardest but also one of the best years of my life.”   Did I write that??  Yes I did.  Am going blind?  Hopefully not but if I do I plan on fully recovering and I am ready now to try to bravely stand up with Jesus by my side and let him work out his plan.  Last time this happened I did finally come to a peaceful place.  I am not fully there to that place yet but I do know that without Jesus I would be in a lot worse place than I am now.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Little Girl Lost

Today I cried for the little girl who was lost.

The little girl who needed a safe place but could never seem to find one.

The little girl who was afraid to go to school because of bullies.

The little girl nobody wanted on their team because she was clumsy and slow.

I cried for the little girl that no one wanted to sit by on the school bus.

I cried for the little girl that had stuff thrown at her while everyone laughed.

I cried for the girl who had the freckle face and big feet.

I cried for the little girl who dressed differently and was laughed at.

Today I cried for the little girl who never had a place to hide.

I cried for the little girl who never cried, because she held it inside.

I cried for the little girl who did not want to cause problems so she locked it away.

I cried for her humiliation and her shame.

I cried for the little girl who went to grownups for help and was told that sticks and stones may hurt but names never could.

I cried for the the little girl who the names hurt.

I cried for the girl who dried up her tears and began to act tough.

I cried for the girl who tried to blend in to the crowd hoping to not be noticed yet at the same time needing to be noticed because she wanted a friend.

I cried for the girl who wanted friends to keep.

I cried for all the times she finally found a friend and began to fit in only to have it ripped away to start over again.

I cried for the girl who lost her childhood belief that everything would work out and that adults would protect her.

I cried for the times the little girl tried to act tough and didn’t cry because she did not what to act like a baby, though she really was, just a baby.

I cried for the little girl who began to believe the mean things that other kids said about her.

I cried for the little girl who lost her confidence in herself.

I cried for the little girl who loved baby dolls and drawing happy pictures.

I cried for the carefree feeling the little girl lost..

Today I cried for the little girl who finally knows and feels hope.

I cried for the little girl who has friends who love her and can never be ripped away.

I cried for the love she finally knows is hers to keep.

Today I cried for the little girl who does not need grown ups to protect her because she has Jesus to protect her.

Today I cried for the grown up girl who still feels the little girl inside her from time to time.

Today I cried because she finally likes herself.

Today I cried for the little girl who was lost but is now a part of the woman she has become.

Mark 10:16
Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.