Psalm 27:13-14 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
I sit here in awe of the beauty and the spender.
White clouds of cotton floating over deep blue water
A sea gull crying while gliding softly, wings open, floating on the breeze
Your breath blowing softly in my ear whispering words of peace, “do not fear, I am here”
People from all over the world speaking different languages their voices mixed together like music.
The laughter of children playing,
Lovers kissing,
A man selling his wares as plane flies over,
Jet skiers,
Parasail’s drift weightlessly above waves lapping at white sand.
I see your face in this place
When I close my eyes I still see you.
Images forever snapped from the camera of my mind.
A few years ago I had a blood clot in my right eye and lost some of my vision in that eye. At one point almost all of my vision in the eye was gone but God gave me a miracle and healed most of my central vision back though I do have only about half the vision in that eye. I never really notice it unless I close my good eye.
About a year ago I started to see flashes of light in my other eye and gradually over the past year my vision has been having all sorts of odd things happen. I also started to have a bigger blind spot in my other eye and a constant flicker. According to my retina specialist all of this is do to the vitreous gel pulling on my retina. My doctor tells me that what is am seeing is the light reflecting off the gel. Over the past year I have had all sorts of odd things happen in my vision and it seems as if my vision has been getting worse and worse as we wait for the gel to finish pulling lose from my retina.
This past week my husband and I were in Mexico and the second day there I was noticing that I could not really take the bright sunlight a whole lot and my eyes seemed different. A little while later I was reading a book and I realized I was having trouble focusing on the words. It was as if they were jumbled or not clear after a while I closed my right eye and realized that with my left eye the letters in the center of every word was missing. Then I realized that anything I looked at seemed to have a small missing place right in the center. Needless to say I went into a panic I already have an eye which is half blind and now my good eye is missing the center!
Of all the things that have happened to me in my life, vision loss has to be about the scariest thing I have ever been through. Right after this discovery of the missing vision I went into a panic, I was on the beach with my husband, sitting there with my journal and my Bible and just could not bear to open my eyes to read, write or look at the beauty around me. It was like the blind spot in my eye was the only thing I could see. It is very hard to not think about something when it is right there in front of your eyes.
A little while later my husband went and joined a ping pong tournament leaving me alone on the beach. For the longest time I just lay there with my eyes closed, begging God to make this blind spot go away. After a while the sound of the ocean and the people around me started creeping in to my brain it seemed to relax me a bit and then I heard a voice say “open your eyes!” As I heard that voice I knew it was God, I was like “um no I can’t bear to look,” but he kept insisting I look so I finally reluctantly opened my eyes. There before me was the bluest water I have ever seen in my life. There was a storm off in the distance and the clouds were hanging low over the ocean, it had to be just about one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. As I sat there looking at the painting before me I realized that the blind spot does not show so much when I am looking at scenery unless I blink.
Shortly after that I grabbed my journal and managed to write a few things down without looking to closely at the page as I wrote. What I wrote was what you read at the beginning of this post and also yesterday’s post. God still amazes me how he manages to pull me back time and time again to realize that no matter what is going on it really will be okay. The rest of the day was a good day, my husband came back from ping pong and by then I was in a new frame of mind. We went for a short walk down the beach and watched the storm come in and then we sat under the palapa in the rain laughing as everyone else left the beach…Question…. if you have your swimming suit on why not just stay out in the rain?.. 😀 Later the sun came back out and we went for a swim and the rest of our evening was really great.
I seemed to be in great peace the next day and until we came home Overall I think we both had a great trip. Once we got home I seemed to have peace until this morning when I realized my eye is getting worse. When I woke up this morning I was so upset I decided I was going to stay in bed with my eyes closed because I could not bear to be seeing what is missing in my vision. I had the television on and there was a preacher speaking, I was not really paying much attention but all the sudden I heard him say, “The only way to be delivered is to get your eyes off yourself and keep them on Jesus.” At that moment I realized that I was laying there panicking worrying about something I have no control over. About that same time a friend of mine who is very very sick with cancer sent me a text, I spent some time with her and oddly I was able to talk to her without thinking to much about my eye. After that my mother called and said she and my dad were close to my house and wanted to come over, and two minutes later my son called saying he was coming over. I ended up spending the morning happily with my family. Today was a great day. I know God sent me those people in my time of need to distract me. No more panic and I truly am at peace about whatever happens. I can not say that I like it, but really I am sure it will all work out in some sort of good way. It always does.
My doctor seems to think I have a macular hole which she says if fixable. I am seeing her on Wednesday to get the for sure diagnosis. Until then all I can do is wait. I think I may be getting pretty good at that.
Most of my childhood life was spent moving around the country. Sometimes our family moved twice a year and one year we moved three times! I was always a bit of on outcast because I never seemed to talk or dress the same as the other kids. A lot of the time I was picked on and I hated gym class because I was always picked last for the teams or made fun of because I was not really much of an athlete.
Friends where something I did not have a whole lot of and usually if I did make a friend it was with the new kids or the ones like me that nobody else liked. It was really hard moving around and I never really became to close to anyone and I never really had a whole lot of self confidence and I never felt like anything was permanent. The feeling of nothing being permanent was a good thing though because if I did not like where we were I always could count on that we would be moving again soon.
At the beginning of my 9th grade year of school we finally moved somewhere that we stayed for 3 whole years. Things started the same way for me in this town as all the rest, nobody wanted to be friends with me so since I had a brother I hung out with him and his friends. Because I hung out with the boys soon the girls in the neighborhood decided I was chasing after their boyfriends and so one day they decided to send a little boy as their messenger to invite me to come up to a little get together that they had planned… His exact words to me where “Terri, those girls up there are paying me a donut to tell you to come up there and they said they are going to kick you’re ass.”
Like I said earlier I never really had a lot of confidence and a fight was not really something I ever had any practice at either but I think something inside of me snapped that day, because I went up there. I soon arrived at the top of the street where about 6 girls and most of the neighborhood kids were waiting for me, I remember being petrified but determined not to show it. Still to this day I can hardly believe I went.
The girls began accusing me of stealing their boyfriends and other things that were not true and I remember telling them, “You all won’t talk to me so I hang out with my brother and his friends, and I don’t want your boyfriends!” I can’t remember a whole lot more of the conversation but what I do remember is that nobody laid a hand on me that day. I acted tough, they acted tough and I walked away with my dignity and a new sense of bravery. The following day I was riding my bike down the street and one of those tough girls called me over and asked me to come to her house and hang out. I did and from that day on we became friends and I became one of them. It felt so good to be a part of a group.
I went on to become a real jerk after that day. It was a time in my life that I figured out that acting tough kept me safe from being picked on. All my years of being a nice person never got me anywhere except shoved around and picked on and now here I was acting like a meany and people “liked” me. Being liked was what I always wanted. I see it now but did not see it then …I still never really fit in and I am not sure if I was really ‘liked’ it was more like I was just left alone because they were scared to pick on me. I still never was that popular girl everyone wanted to hang out with first and I usually was still chosen last for most things.
When I was 17 years old I met my husband who I am still married to and began my life as an adult. Over the years as I grew older I feel as if I did a pretty good job of raising my children but no matter how good I was at something I never ever had that feeling that I fit in or was good enough. I had friends but I stayed on guard never letting anyone get to close. I always seemed to have a feeling of insecurity following me around that I could not shake.
In the early 1990’s I was running a very successful Tupperware business. I had moved up in the company to an Executive manager position, had earned a company car, won many awards and was in the top 10 managers in our region. On the outside life was good but inside I cringed at my success. I did not like being on stage in the spotlight. I really never tried to be successful it just seemed to happen. I loved Tupperware and told people how much I liked it so they bought it, they booked parties and the people at the parties would decide to join me in the business. I remember at the time just being shocked each week at our sales. I would be excited at how well it was going but at the same time I would be scared to death because the more successful my business became the more I had to be on stage at our meeting each week which really made me sick with fear.
You would think that success would have given me more confidence but instead I think what happened is I saw myself standing alongside people who I thought were really good, people who I looked up to and I did not feel worthy at all to be standing alongside of them. Each week I would go on stage with a smile on my face while fear trembled inside of me.
Eventually one day the fear finally caught up to me. I was standing in front of a group of people at one of my Tupperware demonstrations and my ears began to roar. I barely remember anything much after that except for me standing in front of everyone telling them about a product, ears roaring, my heart racing and all the sudden feelings terror inside of me so strong that I wanted to run and hide. Run and Hide is exactly what I did…. I looked at my hostess and said, “I don’t fee so well’ as I excused myself to go into the bathroom where I stayed for the next 30 minutes sitting on the edge of her bathtub trying to pull myself together. I remember thinking I was going to die in there because I could not breathe, I was sweating and my heart was pounding so hard in fear I thought I would have a heart attack. I did not know it at the time but that was my first panic attack of many more to come in my life. I did eventually come out of the bathroom and I told the guests that I had a stomach bug of some sort and went home.
From that day forward I feared being in front of people because I just knew in my mind that it would happen again, the fear snowballed and eventually I quit selling Tupperware and found a job driving a school bus where I did not have to be in the spot light ever.
I spent about the next 15 years of my life staying away from social occasions. My panic filtered into many life things like baby showers, weddings and funerals, I still went to what I had to go to but I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom and always sat by the door at most events so I could escape easily if I panicked. It eventually got to where I could not even go with friends shopping unless I was the driver of the car. I had to be the one in control. If I was not in control I would panic and end up making up the ‘I am sick lie’ and leave. Eventually I found myself running out of meetings at work, and avoiding most social occasions It just kept getting worse and worse to the point that I would get an upset stomach so when I said I was sick I truly was physically sick now too. I lived this nightmare alone, I never told anyone except my husband, one friend and also my doctor who diagnosed me with social anxiety and gave me medicine that did not help.
I went on like this for many years and then….I discovered wine…..
I never was much of a drinker but it just so happened one day I connected that drinking helped take the edge off my panic, actually it took a lot of the edge off. When I drank I became a social butterfly. It did not take much just a few sips before I went to the gathering and I would be fine, but the problem was I never could stop at just a few sips.
When I drank I was bold, I was free and did not care what anyone thought about me. It drowned out a lot of things one being my common sense. What I did not realize at the time is that the drinking did not fix a thing. It just masked things. No matter how I tried to cover it I was still the same person I had always been. I still hurting from all the years of rejection and I was still afraid of people. I had no trust in people or confidence that someone could actually like me for who I was.
It sounds really silly doesn’t it? But that is how I lived for many years. I became a social person I knew lots of people but I just could not attend anything social that I would involve having to sit in a room with other people that would notice me leaving unless I drank or if I did not drink I sat on pins and needles trying hard to keep myself composed. Over the years I was also a Realtor. I know this makes no sense but I could meet with strangers to look at homes and actually had moments that others would probably think I was a very outgoing person. Around the office I was friendly with everyone and even managed to teach a website building class at another real estate office but most of the time if you were to put me in a room for a meeting and I would fall apart in seconds and be running out of the room.
Since 2010 I have been learning to trust again. I have found confidence in Jesus. I have gone into meetings and had him take over my fear allowing me to do what he calls me to do. There is so much more I left out of the story on my journey begins page because it is a crazy story and I will tell you some of it is not very pretty, but the outcome thankfully is pretty. I am not bold enough to put it out here on my blog yet but what I can tell you is that many times over these past 4 ½ years I have made a lot of huge mistakes that I was sure God would never forgive me for but he did forgive me and I have learned so much about his redeeming love, his mercy and his grace.
Over this past year I have had a lot of health issues and a lot of instances that I felt sad over my mobility issues I felt afraid sometimes and lonely. As I told in another post I kept my sad feelings to myself and my closest friends the ones I had let ‘in’ seemed to be going away. Let me make it clear that no friends dumped me or anything they just have their own lives going on but because of my past I gradually I began to feel those old feelings of rejection creeping in and my confidence started going down again. that coupled with the pain in my legs just made a recipe of sadness inside. To top that off one day about 6 months ago I found myself running out of a Bible study class having a panic attack. After that first attack and it happened again and again until eventually I quit going to Bible study class. It made no sense at all why I would act this way because I am in a whole church of people who love me and I love that class and wanted to be a part of it really bad. Oddly I only had panic attacks when I was a participant in class, If I was in teaching a class I never would feel that way. It sounds crazy I know….
I actually worry about hitting the send button on this post because it will let anyone who reads it see the real me… it’s really hard for me sometimes to allow people to see the real me. I am not very brave, I am weak, and I am not always right where God would like me to be. I know when I am strong that it is only due to his power.
Today at church our pastor gave a very powerful message about forgiveness. I realized something while he was speaking…I think I have been carrying around feelings of rejection and anger for a very long time. I realized I had put my hope in people when my hope really belongs in Jesus though I do believe that God puts people in our lives to help him and also sometimes they help hold us accountable to him. If not for some of the people he put in my life who obeyed him and were there for me holding me accountable to God I am not sure I would have gotten as far as I am now.
I have a friend who is very humble, this friend was one of my biggest cheerleaders when I was trying to quit drinking. I know that my friend will say that it was all God…My friend will be right because it is all God, I never could do a thing without God’s strength, but I also know that in the beginning, I would have caved so much more easily had I not had a live person to hold me accountable and remind me that God loved me.
I got to thinking today why doesn’t God just wave a magic wand and just fix it all? After all he is God and he can do anything right?? I think He wants us to help him do his work; He wants our loyalty, our faithfulness to him. He wants us to be able to give up our own life plans to do his plan. If we do not take care of what he puts right in front of us we can never be at peace because it’s up to us to show others the HOPE that only he can give… He puts hope right in front of us to give away when he gives us someone who needs him. He is the hope among all the hurting and suffering people and we have a job to do. We pass that hope along and I am so very thankful that someone took the time and helped to show me the hope I have in Jesus.
I started this post talking about my past and how I still get old feelings of rejection inside even when I know in my heart that I am really an okay person. I think that the enemy knows my weaknesses so he gets to me where he knows he can hurt me the most. Thankfully I now know my weaknesses and by knowing that it makes me stronger. I also know I am a child of the King and he loves me and guess what!? NOBODY can ever take that away from me.
Today after the sermon my pastor offered the chance for everyone to give their lives to Jesus. He also offered those who had already given their lives to Jesus a chance to start over again. Today I found all of my past insecurities boiling up to the surface and I found myself forgiving all those past hurts from many years ago, things I never even realized I had been carrying around for 30+ years . I found myself asking once again for God to make me new and told him I wanted to start over and one more time I asked Jesus to be my savior. I am not sure how many times it will take but if I have to start over every single day for the rest of my life 20 times a day then that is what I will have to do.
I know my blog post today is very long and all over the place If you are still here reading you will be happy to know that it is almost over but not before I tell you that your past does not have to define who you are today. You can rise above it. It may try come back once in a while but you can choose not to revisit it. There is no reason to ever look back because you are not going backwards, you are going forward. Remember most of all that you are loved and worth so much more than you can ever imagine.
Thank you for reading,
If you have never asked Jesus to be your savior and would like to have him come and help you change your life, all you have to do is ask. Ask him to forgive you of your past sin and then tell him you would like to live the rest of your life with him leading you. If you have said that prayer before and need reminding as I did then say it again and again. If you said it for the first time let me know, I would love to hear about it. Also don’t ever forget you are loved and adored by the creator of the universe. That is a pretty awesome feeling isn’t it? ❤
Here is a really good song by Francesca Battistelli I think you will enjoy.
Today I woke up in a horrible mood. My heart was racing and my mind was anxious and whirling. I had been up most of the night with terrible knee pain and panic about my eye problems. And then to top off the morning I had gotten angry with my husband and snipped at him before I leaving for work.
The minute I got in the car to go to work my pity party started, I was crying and telling God I was tired. I was tired of the pain in my knees, tired of not sleeping, tired of the eye stuff, you name it I was tired of it.
As I topped the hill right before the church where I work I said, “Please Lord I just need a break, can you just give me a little peace?
And then I saw this beautiful sunrise….
I had to pull over to take that picture because it was so breathtaking. I then pulled into the parking lot and took a few more.
I actually took 16 more pictures before I saw it. Do you see it?
Answered prayer was right in front of my face.
Not just the beautiful sunrise but he also gave me the peace I had asked for.
P – E – A – C – E he had spelled it out for me!
Today our church sign was frozen on the word peace (bottom left corner), some would say it was broken? i would say it was working perfectly 🙂
What an awesome gift and a blessing God gave me today. Sometimes I am still amazed that he loves me so much
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Yesterday I turned on my television and was shocked at what I saw. A tornado had ravaged through the town of Moore, Oklahoma leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. It was so hard to to look at the pictures on the television, I can’t begin to imagine how the people of that town must feel.
The hardest thing for me see was that the tornado had leveled several schools, taking with it the lives of precious children leaving their parents behind with hearts hurting and broken.
Something else I saw yesterday was that though some of the children lost their lives, there were also stories of how amazingly many children walked out of the wreckage, alive, some seemingly without even a scratch. My mixed up mind keeps wondering… is right for my heart to sing joy for the ones who are safe while at the same time it is breaking for the parents who will never hold their precious children again?
I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it all it.
Though I may never know why things happen like they do, this story reminded me of God’s overflowing heart and how he is always here with us during and after each and every storm.
**Correction today 9/30/2012 I re-listened to my pastor’s sermon from last week, the word was ‘worry’ not ‘fear’ as I said in this post, so I wanted to correct that.. Though I still keep my same feelings I wrote here I feel I should correct this since I quoted him wrong.
Fearless in Faith
Sunday my pastor said in his sermon that anything that replaces faith is sin, therefore fear is sin. I have thought about that all week and I know he is right.
How many times have I been scared and held onto fear and felt better? NEVER.
How many times have I put my faith in God and felt better? EVERY single time.
Before I knew God I was afraid all the time, I was afraid to fly, I was afraid of people but yet afraid to be alone, I had social anxiety, was afraid of being sick, afraid of the doctor, I was afraid to take medicine for fear of the side effects, I was afraid of heights, and had claustrophobia, the list goes on and on and on and on…
The social anxiety part was the worst and I almost let it take over my life. I would make up excuses saying I had things to do so I could skip meetings at work. If I managed to stay in a meeting I was miserable the whole time I was there. I also avoided fun things like baby showers, weddings and parties. I only went to the ones I could not get out of. I never told my family or friends about my ‘problem’ and many probably just thought I was a snob.
Since I gave my life to Jesus I have been learning to give my fears to him. I have never been sick much during my life and have not ever went to the doctor a whole lot. The last two and a half years I have had a lot of illnesses. I know in looking back there is no way on earth I would have ever made it through those without giving my fear to God.
Without giving a lot of detail I will just say my illnesses have included a heart issue, a liver issue, knee surgery, hysterectomy & an eye issue. Treatments and tests included drinking scary stuff and going into in scary medical devices. I have had tons of new medications and injections put in my eye. I am not complaining at all, the coolest thing is I made it through all those things with a whole lot of peace, HIS peace. I am not saying I was never scared believe me some of the things gave me panic attacks. I did discover though that worry did nothing at all to help me at all. When I gave it all to Him I was free and full of peace. Another cool thing is I also came out stronger and found many blessings along the way.
I also feel as if I am getting over my social anxiety also. I spoke in front of my church for the children of Compassion. I could not tell you this day what came out of my mouth or if it sounded good or bad. I know God did the speaking that day. All that really matters is God was in control and kids were sponsored.
I have led a Bible study even though I used to be afraid to just sit in the room and attend a study. Yet again God had it under control
I drove to the top of Pikes Peak and looked down at the magnificent view.
Did I mention that I am scared to fly? Well now I am actually enjoying flying. I notice the blessings when I fly now instead of hiding my face and guzzling down wine. I now look out the window. Have you ever seen clouds from above them? The sun still shines up there on a cloudy day. How would I know had I not looked out of the plane?
How many blessings did I use to miss while I was being afraid? Every time I gave a fear to God He not only gave me peace He also gave me an unexpected blessing.
I am not saying I am fearless or will never be afraid again. But I do know now who to give that fear to and when I give it to Him I do feel quite fearless.
I do know that bad things still happen but we have to have faith. Have the faith he will get us through them and he has a really good plan, we just can’t see it yet. God never said he would not give us more than we can handle, but he did say he will get us through it.
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Please help the children; I do not know why they suffer so. You have broken my heart for them Lord, you have broken it to the point that no matter how many children I sponsor or how much I pray I still find my heart breaking for the ones who are left, the ones still without sponsors. I feel so helpless as to what else I can do for them.
Jose
Iyabivuze
Paola
Toon
So today I offer you my prayer ….
Please hear me Lord as I pray for the children…those little precious children the ones who feel no hope, the ones who feel no future, the ones who do not feel loved.
I pray to you today with my whole heart that Magdaline will find someone who will tell her about your awesomeness
Magdaline
I pray today Zephania will know someone cares about him.
Zephania
I pray that Byron who has been waiting 314 days will know that he is loved.
Byron
I pray that one day Anusya will no longer feel suffering at the hands of the world she lives in, but instead she will have a loving sponsor to tell her who’s hands she is truly in.
Anusya
I pray Kranarong will find a sponsor who will tell him about Your hands.
Kranarong
I pray Geordanys will find someone to tell him how your loving hands will pick him up when he needs lifted. Hold him when he needs held and give him the strength he needs to carry on.
Geordanys
I pray Dear Lord that each child will always know that no matter how lonely they may feel or what kind of situation they may face that you are ALWAYS there with them.
I pray that they feel Your joy forever and know that there is always hope
Last but not least Lord I pray that you will stir the hearts of those who have much love to share that they will share that love with a precious child who needs to know they are worth something. I pray you will break their heart as you did mine. I pray that they can become a loving sponsor to a child who needs them. A sponsor who tells them about the most important thing there is to know and that is that Jesus loves them.
Thank you for hearing my prayer today my Dear Lord,
In Jesus precious name I pray to you today,
Amen
You can make a difference, one child at a time. Do you hear God calling you to make a difference today? You can answer that call by clicking this picture. Be a blessing and you will be blessed!
This morning I was taking care of my grandson who is 14 months old. Today I learned a lesson from that sweet little baby. This is how it went…
Mason is normally a happy little guy but today he got upset, for what I could not even begin to tell you because I still do not know myself. He was playing one minute and the next he was getting a bit whiney which eventually turned into a full out temper tantrum.
I tried everything I could think of to make him happy but no matter what I tried he would not stop crying. It did not matter what I said or what I did he would not stop. I tried giving him a drink, a cookie, carrying him around, checked his diaper, and gave him toys. The list goes on and on of things I tried, all the while his crying became louder and louder with him and me becoming more and more frustrated.
Finally after all avenues where fully exhausted I scooped him up and sat down with him in my lap. I wrapped my arms around him tight. At first this angered him and he began to scream louder but I keep holding him close and began to rock him. I then took my finger and brushed a tear from his face as I did that he began to calm a bit. I continued to hold him close in my arms rocking him and gently brushing my finger down the side of his sweet little face. During this time he began gazing into my eyes. In a matter of seconds he calmed. We continued to rock and he continued looking me in the eyes and as I looked into his.
There is something mesmerizing about looking into a baby’s eyes. I always wonder what they are thinking about. They are so full of innocence and trust at that age. Nothing from the world has touched their minds yet and they have all the security they need just laying in someone’s arms.
As we rocked his little eye lids began to slowly close and his little body relaxed as he drifted off to sleep. As I was holding him a strong urge to pray came over me so as we rocked I began to pray. I have never prayed with a baby in my arms. I felt so very close to him and to God. It was a very special moment I will never forget. My praying lasted for about 15 or 20 minutes.
Just as I finished my prayer my sweet precious boy opened his eyes. His big beautiful blue eyes lit up when he saw me as he smiled a HUGE ‘I love you Grandma Smile’ at me which just melted my heart as it always does. He then sat up and climbed off my lap his whatever he was crying about completely forgotten. He then started toddling around the room full of happiness. As far as he was concerned all was right in his world again.
I thought about this all day and I realized the way my grandson behaved is the same way I behave with God.
When I get upset with what is going on in my life I have been known to act quite childish at times. Maybe I won’t throw a temper tantrum but it is very well known that I do know how to throw an awesome pity party. During those times Jesus is always there trying to pull me onto his lap and comfort me. I am sometimes quite stubborn thinking I’m strong enough to take care of my problems all on my own. Just like my grandson I will keep fighting him off, getting myself more and more frustrated.
But also like my grandson I will inevitably come to the end of my rope. This is where Jesus will pick me up, pull me into his lap and put his protecting arms around me. He then brushes the tears away from my cheek as He holds me and rocks me gently. He will hold me in his lap until I calm, until I feel safe and secure, surrendering to his unfailing love and finally resting. Also like my grandson after I spend time in his lap I can smile and climb out and go on knowing Jesus is still close by. He is right here with me always, never leaving me, always protecting me.
Lesson learned 🙂
Psalm 32:7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 91:1-2 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.
Psalm 143:8Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
My doctor seems to think I have a macular hole which she says if fixable. I am seeing her on Wednesday to get the for sure diagnosis. Until then all I can do is wait. I think I may be getting pretty good at that.
A Story By Me 
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