Music Monday ~ My Broken Hallelujah

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Two days ago I almost had a catastrophe.  I had just finished my shower and as I stepped one leg out of the bathtub suddenly my hip on that leg popped loudly and a stabbing pain shot through my body,  At the same time my leg gave out seeming to just fall out from under me, sending me tumbling out of the shower.  My body slammed against the cabinet and somehow I managed to tumble across the room but yet stay in and upright position until I fell against the bathroom door with one of my hands landing perfectly on the doorknob. Thankfully I was able to latch on to the doorknob and keep myself from hitting the floor.

I remember just standing there frozen in shock realizing how bad hitting the floor could have been.

It seems like all I have done for the past month is try to keep myself in an upright position.  That is because for about a month now physically I have not been doing so good.  It started with an allergic reaction to a malaria drug I took for a trip to Haiti. During the reaction not only did I break out in itchy hives everywhere, but my joints all became severely inflamed.  Gradually over the past 3 weeks most of my joints have settled back down to their normal morning achiness but my hips have gotten worse and have become very stiff.  My left hip is extremely painful and keeps locking up.

Also this past year I keep having Episcleritis flare-ups in my eyes. This makes my eyes red and they feel as if I have eyes full of sand.  I have been dealing with this on and off all year and the past couple of months it seems like I have had it a few days out of every week.

This month has been very painful for me physically.  I really don’t like telling people my problems but the truth is…  My hip hurts, my eyes hurt, my knees are bone on bone from arthritis and walking is getting harder for me each day.  Lately I have had to work really hard to convince myself to get out of bed in the mornings.  I go to work where it is even painful at times to just sit. When I am at home I lay around on the couch all the time or I just go to bed. I am not much of a TV watcher but I think over this past month I have watched every Hallmark and Lifetime movie ever made! I have read a ton of books to the point I am also tired of reading.  Plus sometimes by evening my eyes are so irritated I just want to sit with them closed.

Even though a lot of the time lately I feel as if I am struggling I still am trying my best to keep my eyes on Jesus, and trying to look towards the good stuff. Even though I am trying hard to keep my eyes on the good stuff some days I feel like I may have hit my breaking point and lately its feeling that way more and more often.

I really am not sure what the next step is going to lead… my Rheumatologist gave me some pretty rotten news a couple of weeks ago which is just too much for me to write here at the moment and as of last week she has now referred me back to an orthopedist. I feel like I am bouncing from doctor to doctor to test to test. We have a diagnosis for some of it but still nobody can seem to help me. The biggest thing I wish is that someone could do something about this pain. It’s really starting to exhaust me.

This weeks Music Monday song is “Broken Hallelujah” by The Afters

Sorry if I seemed to be a downer today, I really do not mean to be that way.  I think maybe it just time for me to go ahead tell people how I feel because at this point I really could use a few prayers.

Also even though this is exhausting right now I am still going to keep looking up and thanking God for what is good, because through all of this there really is still so much that is good and so much to be thankful for.

I am not ever going to give up on looking up.

As for you if you are going though a rough time, try to remember whatever you are going through, Jesus knows how you feel and He really does care about you and love you so much.  Don’t give up and keep looking up!

Terri Siebert