In order to stick with my plan of focusing more on God I knew something in my busy life had to go. One thing I knew for sure I needed to address was the fact that I had two jobs, Travel Agent and Secretary at my church. Both were part-time and I liked both jobs but also knew that keeping up with both of them was becoming harder and harder to do. I really loved the travel job, plus it allows me the convenience to work from home but then, on the other hand, I loved the church secretary job too. Of the two Church secretary was my favorite plus being the church secretary also was the job that seemed to make the most sense if my goal was to be closer to God.
So I decided to give up the travel agent job and toward the end of last Spring, I began referring any new customers that I received to other agents and then I continued to service any existing customers planning to quit once they had all traveled.
My plan was now perfectly in place.
Without new customers coming in and only having to service existing ones the travel business had pretty much nothing much going on anymore that I had to do, so things seemed to be on the right track.
The last week of August was the first indication of the crumbling of my perfectly built plan when I had my first attack of vertigo.
By the end of November, my plan was in full crumbling motion.
Here is an excerpt from one of my previous blog posts to give you a little bit of an idea of what was going on – “It’s been really hard to keep going when it’s the normal activities in my life that are making me sick. I can’t watch TV, or be anywhere with fluorescent or LED lighting, or those new energy efficient light bulbs. We changed all the lightbulbs in our house. TV, I try to just listen but forget and find myself looking at the screen. I can’t get on my tablet for games. Texting has pretty much become a thing of the past unless it’s a quick one. The sounds that bother me are weird. Things like soft sounds, like clicking or change jingling or certain voices.”
If you want to know more you can visit these blog posts:
Vertigo, Panic, and Feelings of Insanity
When the Struggle is Real Keep Going Even if You Have to Do it with Your Eyes Closed
Because most everything I do at my church job was on the computer I could barely do my secretary job. Add to that, I couldn’t think or remember things very well, plus I didn’t really feel comfortable being alone in the building because I was afraid I’d fall and no one would be there to help me.
Things eventually got to a point that my husband had to drive me almost everywhere I needed to go and some nights I didn’t sleep at all. I could not plan anything especially getting up and going to work after I’d been awake all night.
I felt like I was living in a fog.
The hardest part of the whole thing is that I haven’t been able to go to church much either because we have screens for words to the songs and pictures, sound coming through a microphone, and colorful lighting on stage behind the Pastor. All of that stuff is wonderful for a normal person but when you are having vestibular migraines it’s like being tortured. When I am there I feel as if I’m in a rocking boat and can barely keep my eyes open because the lighting and sound make me nauseous. I’ve tried wearing sunglasses and earplugs but those only give minimal help.
I spent most of September, October, and November going to various types of doctors to get to the bottom of it all and trying my best to continue to work. Church services became hit and miss and turned into going when I felt good, but when I was there I would begin to feel terrible anyway.
Even though I love being the church secretary after a while I had to take off work and spent most of my time at home.
Even though its been a rough few months the weirdest thing has happened during this time. I have been learning HUGE stuff about myself and also about God.
The biggest thing I’ve realized is that no matter how much I may think I have my life planned out, it’s most likely not going to go my way…..Okay wait that’s not true, I really have known forever that the most well-laid plans will usually not play out as I expect them to and for some reason I really have a hard time letting go of the idea that I am the one who is in charge. So really what I should have said there was that the biggest thing I have realized is that GOD is in charge
Even though I love being the church secretary in the first week of December after much praying I realized that God wanted me to let the secretary job go. But then once I knew that God wanted me to resign it took me about a week to actually tell my boss I was resigning, That’s how tightly I was holding on.
While I was telling her I was quitting I had a hard time doing it without crying. When I feel uncomfortable or sad I tend to say stupid things to make myself laugh even though most likely they aren’t funny. I am not sure why I do this and can’t remember if I did it or not when I quit but I do remember catching myself rambling on and on before hanging up the phone. But then the strangest thing happened after I hung up…Peace.
And peace has been what I’ve felt ever since that moment.
God had shown me that just because I want something that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is really mine to have. He has also shown me that when my hands are closed because I’m hanging on tightly to things that aren’t meant for me then I can’t receive what he is trying to give me that IS meant for me.
So now I am in the middle of God’s plan which wasn’t what I had planned but it really does feel good to be on the same page with him.
Another thing I have realized in all of this is that I don’t have to be in the church building to be close to God. Okay, I did already know that too that but for some reason, the truth in that statement has hit me harder now that I can’t be there all the time.
God is everywhere and if I seek him, I am sure to find him, no matter where I am.
I still ask questions like – “Why am I here stuck at home?” or “What is my purpose in all of this?”
But then I also realized that even though I gave all my travel customers away I had never totally quit that job.
God never planned for me to quit being a travel agent. That was all me on that decision and I have now decided I am going to take the next customer that calls because for now, it still fits in with his plan whether it does or doesn’t make sense.
A couple of weeks ago, I was looking out the window the man who lives across the street came out of his house and walked down the street. Almost every single day he walks down the street at about the same time and then later in the day he comes back home at the same time again. I am pretty sure he is walking to his job. On that day I suddenly felt the urge to pray for him and then a few minutes later someone else came out of their house and I had that same urge to pray fpr them. A few hours later it was the mailman and then the lady next door. The urge to pray kept coming up for every person I saw out the window all day that day.
I can’t explain how I feel about this other than to say that it does feel as if it is important for me to continue to do this when I see someone outside.
So I guess that is one of my new jobs now.
Jeremiah 29:11 says – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I know for a fact that God does have a plan for me and right now I am smack dab in the middle of it whether it makes sense or not. I also give up on trying to perfectly orchestrate what seems to make the most sense to me and I will just go with God’s plan. I know from experience that His plan always seems to go a whole lot smoother.
As far as my sickness goes, so far we have not found anything for certain that caused these vestibular migraines to happen just a lot of what triggers them. I have started taking a low dose of Propranolol which is supposed to make them not happen as much. I have noticed that over the past week I am feeling a whole lot better and not having as many of the episodes plus I am also able to ditch the sunglasses in brightly lit rooms. I did still have to put in earplugs at church last Sunday to quieten the sound and I did still get dizzy but it wasn’t as severe as it has been.
I think the medicine is working! Yay!