I leaned down to pick up what I thought was trash on the floor.
“Even when we are struggling God can still use us” were the words written on the paper.
Lately that’s all I seem to be doing.
I can’t look at the screen as I type this, or it will send me into a swirling mess. Like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round. I also now have a Heavy head, with brain fog, and a lot of anxiety.
Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.
I never know when I will be sick. I could be fine and then 5 minutes later I’m in a fog.
I could be sick for a few minutes, hours, or all day.
I keep praying for God to take this away, but it hasn’t happened yet.
The only change is things just keep getting worse and I’ve found out I am a failure at staying in an MRI machine.
3 doctors to just be sent right back where I started to my general practitioner was really upsetting.
On Monday I was told I needed to see a neurologist or maybe even a psychiatrist wow now I’m not the only one who thinks I am crazy.
I started with the neurologists my GP gave me, Doctor ‘Quackquack’ and the one who’s supposed to be awesome. I didn’t call Dr. Quackquack. My call to Dr. Awesome’s office was met by voicemail telling me to leave my name and number and they would call me back.
They didn’t call.
I tried to find more neurologists in my area but only could find pediatric neurologists.
I felt so hopeless.
Hopelessness isn’t something I usually feel. It’s a pretty foreign feeling for me and I can’t tell you how much I really hate the feeling
But then on Wednesday God gave me something that totally brought my hope back.
Dr. Awesome’s name had kept coming up all week and that day I kept feeling this urge to try to call him again. So I did call him again and this time someone answered the phone! She said there were no appointments available until March…
Feeling defeated I started to hang up while saying a prayer in my head, “God please I need your help with this!” I kid you not, the next words out of her mouth were – “you need to be seen right away, can you be here tomorrow morning at 8:45?”
Fast forward – the doctor was really great and we now have a partial diagnosis, brain stem migraines with aura. Even though I don’t feel the pain from the migraines, I still feel the effects of them. He told me I am NOT crazy, and that no physiatrist is needed and that what I am feeling is real. He also said I do have to get that MRI though, so we can see what the reason is for the migraines. He also told me the migraines are brought on by things like screens from phones, computers, lighting, sounds…. pretty much all of my normal life stuff. He gave me a prescription for a medication that will hopefully help stop them from happening. I should know if it works by the end of next week.
Yesterday was a better day, but then last night I had nightmares all night. I woke up this morning feeling as if a dark cloud is hanging over me. It’s like no matter how many times I feel up this just keeps knocking me down. I wanted to stay in bed but I forced myself to get up.
No matter what I gotta keep getting up.
It’s been really hard to keep going when it’s the normal activities in my life that are making me sick. I can’t watch TV, or be anywhere with fluorescent or LED lighting, or those new energy efficient light bulbs. We changed all the lightbulbs in our house. TV I try to just listen but forget and find myself looking at the screen. I can’t get on my tablet for games. Texting has pretty much become a thing of the past unless it’s a quick one. The sounds that bother me are weird. Things like soft sounds, like clicking or change jingling or certain voices. I had to give up my job for now because I can’t do it because Its pretty much all computer work.
The good in all of this is if I stay away from all of those things, I feel pretty okay. So now I am doing things to occupy my time that actually are more meaningful than hanging out on Facebook (sorry Facebook). I actually talk to people on the phone or in person now. If I walk or exercise, I actually feel normal which is kinda strange. So now I walk and walk and walk.
Maybe all of this is my wakeup call to get back in shape and actually do life the old-fashioned way.
The thing that bugs me the most in all of this is I work in a church. I have known since I began the job that God put me there so why is this stuff happening that makes me have to not work there? I realized last week when I stepped away to get well that for now that is really what he wants me to do. Step away and get well. For a long time now, I have known that God wants me back at this blog and a few other things but I never had much time before the write the blog, but now with no job and no other things to distract me I have a lot of time to write. BUT – I can’t look at the computer screen now. Plus, I’m really not sure what to write about. I feel as if I have words, but most are hard for me to share publically.
I started writing this today because of the paper I found on the floor reminded me “Even when we are struggling God can still use us.” I have no idea when I wrote that. It was just written on the back of an old grocery list and laying on the floor like trash, waiting right where God left it for me to find today. So as I sit here with my eyes closed typing this story (yes they are closed) I realize that right now in my life the struggle is real but God still can use me. I really don’t get why it always comes back to this blog but God wants me to do it so guess if you are reading this then I did it. I won’t be editing the mistakes though.
I hope if you are struggling today with anything you know that God is real and he is right there with you during your struggle too. Take the moments you have and make the best of them and let God use you during them.
It may not make sense but do it anyway.
Since I was a child I have always stuck to the motto ‘where there is a will there is a way’. with that being said remember this – If you have the will but its still hard do, do it anyway. Even if you have to close your eyes. God is with you even in the struggle and he will help you. You may get knocked down but no matter what you gotta keep getting back up.
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