Who’s Scribbling? – A Journey to a Masterpiece

This was originally posted in September of 2012.  At that time I was brand new to blogging and had no idea what I was doing. I’m still not sure if I know what I am doing but at least I have become a whole lot braver about pushing the publish button 🙂

Who’s Scribbling by Terri Siebert

I don’t remember a whole lot about my life before the age of 5 other than I always loved to dance and sing but most of all I loved to draw pictures and color them.

When I was 5 years old as most children in my country do, I headed off to my first day of kindergarten.   I was so excited to be going to school.  I was not a baby anymore and was headed off where the big kids got to go spend their days.  I could not wait to play with the other kids and make whole a bunch of friends.

When my mother took me to my classroom I saw some of the other kids were crying and clinging to their moms but I was not scared at all, I was so happy to be there.  The classroom was full of tables and we each already had a place picked out just for us.  I found my name tag taped to the table marking my seat and I sat down.  It was going to be the best day ever!

Shortly after our mothers left the teacher gave us work to do.  We were to draw a picture of what we did over the summer.  I loved to color so this made me very happy.   I had my brand new cardboard school box filled with crayons, pencils and paste and I could not wait to use them!

I began coloring my masterpiece,  I felt so happy but then something awful happened.   I heard a little girl at our table whisper to the boy sitting next to her; she said “who is scribbling?”  I looked around the table to try to figure out who she was talking about.  “Where was this scribbling person at our table?” I thought to myself.   I did not see anyone scribbling.  Then I saw that same girl who had whispered to the boy and she was pointing at me!   As she pointed she said “It’s her,” with a look of disapproval on her face.

I began looking around the table at the other children, all eyes were on me. I remember the boy next to me scooted his chair away from me making sure the others did not think he was the “scribbler’s” friend.   I looked down at my picture which I had thought was beautiful a few minutes ago.  I also looked around at everyone else’s pictures.  Though I was just a little girl I still can remember the feelings I had inside.  I was so embarrassed as I felt the tears begin running down my face.  I wanted to run and hide but I was stuck there in that classroom at that table in an unfamiliar place and my mother who I always ran to, was not here to protect me.

I think that was the first time in my life I wanted to please other people who were not behaving very nicely.  I was only in kindergarten but in my child mind, I wanted them to think my picture was pretty and I wanted those kids to like me.  I remember looking at my picture wanting to hide it because they made me feel like it was ugly.  I wanted run away go back to my home where my mommy was where everything I did was beautiful and everyone liked me.

I wish I could say that I continued “scribbling” my picture and being myself not caring what the other kids thought, but I did not.  It was actually the beginning of a life of trying to please others.  I was just coloring a picture and some little girl pointed out I was not doing things like everyone else.  It can be really hard the first time you realize you are not like everyone else, even if you are only 5.

I still sometimes as an adult wonder where do those feelings come from?   Why do I have the need to feel that I have to please others .  I think its because we all need approval and we just want others to like us. We don’t want them to think we are odd or different or not smart.  I was reading my Bible the other day and I came across the story of Peter denying Jesus. The night before Jesus was crucified his faithful disciple Peter denied him.  Jesus even warned him he would do it and I do think Peter truly believed he would not do that sort of thing to his friend.

He warns Peter in Mark 14:27-31

  •  “You will all fall away,” Jesus told them, “for it is written: ‘I will strike the shepherd,and the sheep will be scattered.’  But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”  Peter declared, “Even if all fall away, I will not.”  “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “today—yes, tonight—before the rooster crows twice you yourself will disown me three times.” But Peter insisted emphatically, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the others said the same.

As you read on farther in Mark we can see it is true Peter did deny Jesus, as shown in 14:66-77

  • While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came by.  When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked closely at him.  “You also were with that Nazarene, Jesus,” she said.  But he denied it. “I don’t know or understand what you’re talking about,” he said, and went out into the entryway.  When the servant girl saw him there, she said again to those standing around, “This fellow is one of them.” Again he denied it.  After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, “Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean.”  He began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know this man you’re talking about.”  Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.” And he broke down and wept

I think that Peter feared for his life here and became afraid. I also think in our own lives we have a lot of reasons for wanting to please other people.  Fear can be a huge reason we try to please others.  We can fear harm to ourselves or just fear of being alone.

I feared others not liking me I also feared being picked on.  But the bottom line is we as people just really do not like it when we feel not liked or unloved.  No matter what the reason it can be scary.

I do believe we were made to please.  But I do not believe it was people we were made to please.  We were made to please one thing and one thing only and that is God.  What God thinks of us is all that ever has and ever will truly matter.

Don’t take me wrong when I say that.  This does not give us permission to go around acting like a jerk.  We should truly care about others and love one another and doing acts of kindness are wonderful.   We all should be nice to one another.  But we should never be who we are not meant to be to please another person.

Being a Christian can be hard sometimes because we have to go out of the box.  We have to say and do things that non believers may think are just plain nuts.  Sometimes even the believers may think we are nuts.   Our friends and family may think we are nuts too and guess what?? They may even not like us.  But if we stay pleasing to God we are on the right path.

Thankfully a lot of things have changed since that day in kindergarten.   We start learning our lessons in life as a young child and sometimes the lessons learned are not the right ones to learn.  Until I sat in that kindergarten classroom it never dawned on my child mind that someone would not like me because I was me. Thankfully now I do know who I need to please.  Something else I noticed along the way is if I just be who God made me to be, most people like me anyway, and if they don’t that’s ok . I also have realized that when I am not trying to please anyone except for God I actually like me too:)

Don’t worry what others think of you and go be who God made you to be.

Gelatians 1:10  Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people?If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

Colossians 3:23    Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters

Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Thank you for reading! ?

Source: Who’s Scribbling? – A Journey to a Masterpiece

Help Me Find It…Soon Please!

The words to a song have been running through my head today and I can’t seem get them out.  I realized earlier that maybe they are there because the words are kinda like words to a prayer… a prayer I have been praying all day.

The last couple of weeks have been full of a lot of emotions that have been all over the place for me. I have had emotions in so many different directions, they have been happy, sad, fun, hard and quite a bit confusing at times. First off I was on a mission trip to Haiti, that was a good trip, though heartbreaking at times it was also a blessing and I saw God working so much there. But also while I was in Haiti I came to the realization that God is leading me toward a place that seems way out of my comfort zone and to be honest quite scary to me.

The second thing that happened is I have two best friends, one I have been friends with for over 25 years and one I have been friends with since I was a little girl, one friend moved away the week before I went to Haiti, the other friend passed away while I was in Haiti. It is odd losing both your best friends within 2 weeks time. The one friend can still call me but she is in an area right now that I have to wait for her to call, because her phone signal isn’t very good.  Though we can talk on the phone its still not like the everyday chats we always had, calling each other up every single morning and also several times a day just to tell each other silly things that were going on.

The third thing that happened is my husband got a new job while I was in Haiti so now he has been working in the evenings since I got back and it feels really strange to me to have so much alone time. I just got used to him being home all the time and now he is gone.

As I mentioned a few paragraphs back, while I was in Haiti I came to the realization that God is leading me toward a place that seems way out of my comfort zone and scary to me. With no one to mull things over with it has been hard. I keep trying to talk to God about it but he has been silent these past few days. Though I will admit I am a bit of a loner and I usually do like my space I have to say it has been a little more quiet than I would like it to be around here.

I keep telling myself that there is a reason for all of this and I am sure there is.  I know that God has a plan in place and sooner or later he will show me what I am supposed to do.  He has never failed me in the past, but the waiting for him to reveal what it is He wants me to do is sometimes really hard for me.  I am not to good at waiting and anyone who knows me knows that patience is not one of my specialties.

I am not really sure what this blog post is about today other than I feel pretty down about my friends and my life seems to be pretty confusing to me right now.  Also I wanted to share this song that has been stuck in my head today, thanks for listening and I hope you enjoy it.

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5

At a Loss for Words

Today I went to visit my dear friend. Her husband met me at the door, his eyes filling with tears. Though he tried to keep them in some managed to flow down his face anyway. He told me he thought his wife was not going to make it to Christmas.  I had no words. He said she was just lying in bed all the time now and that she could not walk, would not eat, and that she could barely speak.  I could tell he was also trying to prepare me for what I was about to see.  No amount of preparation could have ever gotten me ready for what I saw today.  My once tough and strong friend now looked so small and weak lying in her bed gasping for breath as she slept.

He woke her and told her I was there, she opened her eyes and looked at me her eyes lighting up for a brief second before she closed them again and went back to sleep. Her husband went to the store for a few groceries and I stayed with her.  I am not sure why but for some reason I climbed in her bed and sat in it with her just watching her as she slept. She drifted in and out of consciousness and memories of the two young girls we used to be flowed through my head.  Happy memories of us singing, sleepovers, Friday night skating rinks and dancing to Saturday Night Fever songs.  As grown women we now always joke about when we are old ladies someday we will be still dancing to Staying Alive.  As I watched her take each labored breath I wondered after each one if she would take another, or if maybe that breath was going to be her last. I find it ironic how Staying Alive takes on a whole new meaning today.

After a while she woke up and wanted to sit up, she was so weak she could not raise herself to sit up on her own. I could tell it was really hard for my independent willed friend to allow me to help her sit up. Once she was sitting I looked into her tired beautiful brown eyes and saw the eyes of my friend which were so full of determination and light a few short weeks ago had now grown dim. She looked at me and started speaking each word  was an effort for her to speak.  She said she had fought for 6 months and that she knew she was not going to make it and then she said that she was not ready to die yet. Her words ripped my heart out, I already knew she was going to die but was not prepared for her to say it to me. When I was faced with her voicing it out loud I was frozen, and had no words of comfort for her.  I grasped for something anything but nothing came.  I was silent because I didn’t know what to say.  All I could do was reach out to her as I tried to hold back the tears that wanted so bad to just let burst forth. I just felt so unprepared for this moment and any words that came to my mouth just seemed so lame.  This sort of thing does not come with instructions and I just wanted to be able to fix this, “I need the instructions” went through my mind.  I kept silent while prayers were screaming in my head, prayers to God asking for the words but they just never came.  All I could manage was just to sit there and hold her and pray with her.  She knows Jesus and I know she will be in heaven with him soon and she knows she will be in heaven, yet she isn’t ready to go yet. She wants to stay on earth and see her grandkids grow up. She wants to be here for her kids and her husband. She doesn’t want to leave them yet.  She has the most beautiful and perfect new home waiting for her to come move into yet she wants to stay in this home to take care of her family and live the life that she has here.  What could I say to that?  I am not sure anyone knows what to say to that.  I sat with my friend feeling so broken hearted for her until she drifted back off to sleep. I watched her sleep a while longer and then I got up to go. Before I left I kissed her on the cheek and told her goodbye for now. As said goodbye she woke up for just a second and said, “I love you too,” and then she went right back to sleep.  As I write this I wonder if that was our last conversation on earth and if next time I see her it will be in heaven. I still keep praying for that miracle that she lives, but could it be that the miracle is that we not live here on earth but that the miracle is that we live forever in heaven?

I pray that when God decides its time for her to come home that she will be at peace and joyfully step into her new life knowing that those she leaves behind will be okay.

I wish I would have had some great words of comfort for my friend today, but no matter how I look at it death from our earthly bodies still just somehow seems sad and there will be a hole in my life when she is gone.  I will miss her tremendously when she goes but I really have a feeling she will not miss me.  I think she will be pain free and so happy in heaven that she won’t even think about missing her life here and I am thankful for that.