Crushing weight squeezes my chest threatening to suffocate me. My Heart is pounding so loud I hear the roar of my blood pumping in my ears. The terror is so real I feel as if I want to run away but there is no where to run. There is nowhere to run because a person can’t hide when the terror is inside of their own brain.

That is how I feel when I have a panic attack. Panic attacks are not fun at all.  They sneak up silently waiting for just the smallest window of opportunity to slip in and steal my sanity.

If you have ever had a panic attack I am sure you know just how this feels if you haven’t then you can’t even begin to guess.  It doesn’t take much to set a panic attack in motion and once one sets in they are hard to get rid of.  There have been days that I have even found myself having a panic attack that I will have a panic attack.  I know that sounds crazy and it’s a vicious cycle.

For the past few years I have had some eye problems.  Most days I don’t think about them at all but then there are the days that I have a new symptom or even the usual flickering or the spider webby looking things will set me into a panic. I start thinking that I am going blind and if I close my eyes I still see the flickers.  At times this gets me so upset and the panic gets so deep that I can’t think strait. Those are the days I need a friend but at the same time I don’t want to tell anyone. The few times I have told someone after it was all over I found myself feeling stupid and ashamed.  There are times I have found myself wanting to go hide…. but hide where? Especially when you don’t know what you are hiding from?  You can’t hide from panic.

It is so hard to understand how a person can be scared of what seems like nothing.

But that nothing is really something to me and I just can’t tell it to go away…

…though I wish it were so easy.

Philippians 4:6-7 says, Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I have found myself reciting that verse over and over and praying to God to carry me through the grips of panic that threaten to take away my sanity. These are the times that I know that without Jesus I could have never made it through.

The radio station in my town plays this song by Josh Wilson a lot (YouTube Video below), sometimes I feel like I could have written the words because I have felt so much of what he talks about in the song.  I even read his story and found out that he recites the same scripture in his prayers that I do.

Lately I find myself telling a lot of personal and private stuff here on this blog and today I really don’t have an ending to this story or really know the reason for writing it.  Whether it’s a vent or maybe its just to let someone else who has this problem know that they are not crazy and to not be ashamed or feel embarrassed and most of all to know that they are not alone. There are other people who have this too, they just don’t always talk about it.

I realized today that I am who I am and it’s okay if others don’t understand what’s going on with me. God does understand me and that is all that matters.  If not for him I don’t know how I would make it through those panicky days.

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0 thoughts on “Crushing Weight

  1. Hi T, I hope your feeling better, I was thinking about you this morning and what worries me is your having panic attacks etc and yet your on Thyroid medication for your Hashimoto’s disease, this is not normal, I have not taken any Medication other than what was prescribed for my Thyroid and other physical conditions and some vitamins for over 10 years now and I have no problems, yes like everyone else I can get angry at times and upset and I even cry if someone has hurt me but Jesus got angry and cried and was known as a person who grieved, but yes some claimed He was mad, it’s a label others tend to use when they can’t explain their own fears and confusion, anyway it’s what is motivating our anger etc and what we do about it that matters.

    So I feel something else is wrong T not just your Hashimoto’s disease which does not present what you are experiencing when controlled, but you may be taking something that is blocking your medication from working and this can happen with health remedies, which do not have the same controls that prescribed medications have. This is why Doctors do not prescribe anything that is not listed and covered by the Health Department, please check what your taking and ask your Doctor if they are OK for you. I was trained by the Health Department in Healthy Diet and Nutrition, as well as weight control and this was one of the dangers they made us aware of, it may not be the reason but please check so you can be sure.

    Keeping you in prayer – Christian Love – Anne

  2. Good to hear T you are receiving the right medication but please pray the prayer I shared with you when your having a Panic attack. I never talk to Satan like some do , ranting and raving at him , when needed which is rarely now, I just ask Jesus to take control when I’m under attack, all good things come from God all evil from Satan, whether directly or indirectly.

    Take Care T, your very much in my prayers – Christian Love -Anne

    • Thank you Anne I actually prayed that prayer when I read it this morning I just forgot to mention it in my reply. I am checking out those weblinks right now.. the one had a link on diet… wow I am excited to look further into that, gluten free is something I have been researching. I really appreciate your information and your prayers. know I am praying for you still too. Blessings to you,T

      • Be careful T, there is lot of diet advice that is all about making money for those who propagate it, gluten free , Organic etc have been proven to make very little difference and some health foods can do harm.

        There may be a need to be careful because of sugar and fat with diabetes etc but a well balanced diet with all the food groups, will help greatly and this I have proven with those who attended my weight control groups,over many years, even their diabetes was controlled.

        Blessings – Anne

      • it wasn’t blocked because I think I was approving them at the same time you wrote this.. lol sorry I am trying to find the comment now to read it.

    • Hi Anne I am not moderating your comments, I have it set up that I have to approve links and also those addresses of people who have never commented. My blog gets a lot of spam links so it was the link.

      • Thanks T for explaining, I hate Technology but at the same time I love it, God gave man the knowledge to invent it and Wow for sure He has used it for good but Satan through motivating his followers, uses God’s gifts for evil purposes too, thankfully God always has the Victory in the end!

        • I was so confused for a while I couldn’t find the original comment and realized I had approved everything but it 🙂 I love technology but it sure is aggravating at times LOL. and yes God always has victory in the end!

          • I’m going to be real honest now T, I don’t like the new smilies their boring and have no life, plain and dull, nearly all the same , no personality , just what Satan does to those who follow him, he conforms them into his mould ,

            They are even now trying to change our punctuation too, sad they change what doesn’t need changing, in the end people just become confused and do their own thing anyway.

            That reminds us of something else… we as Christians are to be in Unity in what we believe about God’s Truth , this is very important or it becomes watered down and people get confused and deceived too. God Truth never changes.

            He does make us all unique though and Spiritually we become One by The Holy Spirit and have one mind and purpose but we continue to have God’s different gifting and our own uniqueness that He gave us, His heart also has a place just for us and He knows every hair on our head, with Ron being bald he says God knows how many he has on his chest, I tell him that God still counts all of his empty hair follicles LOL

            Blessings always – Anne

  3. Hi T , we never need to feel ashamed about our afflictions, when their not caused because of sin, they show we need either deliverance or healing, do you feel this too.

    We do not need to have experienced a panic attack to feel compassion, anyone would feel your pain and want to help you but having experienced them many years ago myself after being wrongly diagnosed, I had a thyroid condition but the medication they were giving me only caused it to worsen, I do understand how you feel T and we remember that afflictions are not from God but He is with us as you go through them .

    If it’s deliverance that you need T, than ask in the name of Jesus and the blood He shed for you on the cross, to bind Satan that he cannot attack you , Physically, Mentally and Emotionally, it’s a powerful prayer that gets results when prayed in Faith.

    But you may need healing, T you have gone through a lot , do you have elders who will anoint you with oil and pray for you, ask and you will receive according to God’s will.

    Keeping you in Prayer – Christian Love Anne.

    • Anne thank you for sharing, actually I to have a thyroid problem though I am not sure if that causes any of this or not. I do know a few times my thyroid medicine has had to be adjusted because it was high and during those times I knew it was the meds because I acted very strange. Prayer and clinging to God seems to help a lot. thank you for your prayers.

      • Well now that makes sense T , you could have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis it can be mistaken for Bipolar, both cause the same symptoms some of which are like yours. Hashimoto’s is not controlled when taking Bipolar etc medication, the Thyroid stops functioning properly . It’s a bit long to explain in detail T but I will give you some links, it has been kept quiet because of legal problems with wrong diagnoses but a lot of Doctors do check for this now before prescribing Bipolar etc medication but not all do.

        http://thesprightlywriter.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/why-hashimotos-thyroiditis-can-be-mistaken-for-bipolar/

        Please see below for other link…..

        • Hi Anne I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease in 1991 and by then my thryroid had completely quite working and I had the large goiter in my neck which eventually when down completely once I was regulated on Synthroid. I see an endocrinologist regularly and also have my blood checked 2 times a year to make sure that the levels are correct. I usually know though if they get off before I ever see the doctor by they way I behave, If I have to much I become irritable and cry a lot. If I have to little and I get exhausted, sleep a lot and gain weight. So usually I go to the doctor right away if I notice those things happening. As far as my panic attacks go, this is something I have dealt with for a lot of years and also do to things such as my eye issues and fear of losing my eyesight and social anxiety. Since I became a Christian 4 years ago I do not have near the amount of panic attacks that I used to have and if I do have them I usually get through them by prayer and by clinging to Jesus. Thank you for the links they have some very interesting and helpful information.

  4. T
    Thank you for sharing with us. We are told in scripture that we are to uphold each other in prayer and if nothing else but to inform us of your problem, this was helpful. How else are we supposed to know how to specifically pray for you if we don’t know your need.

    If it means anything, I have had problems with anxiety and short of declaring myself “crazy”. I told all of my dr.s and they finally realized that relaxing and putting myself in a dark room with very soft relaxing music the only sound. Eventually I would end up going to sleep for about an hour and only after that did I start feeling better. They also helped me to stave it off at times (when I could see it coming) with Ativan. It is a mild drug that is a relaxant but it helps when I need it. They gone away for the most part but I still have my moments.

    My prayers are with you!
    –Mark

    • Mark thank you for sharing and for your prayers. In knowing that others have these things it helps a lot, and so do the prayers, blessings to you.

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